Hope Is Within Your Control

Take a deep breath. “How are you feeling?” 

I don’t mean, “How are you?” or “How are you doing?” because a typical answer to those questions is “Fine.” What I mean is, “How are you really feeling?”

I looked at articles, blog posts, and social media posts from business thought leaders and organizations over the past couple of months to see what was being posted. The most frequently used words in these articles were Covid-19, crisis, world, help, leadership, uncertainty, pandemic, change, new, resilience, black, virtual, critical, racism, help. 

It’s no wonder so many people are feeling anxious, worried, angry, or frustrated. But some will be feeling excited or enthusiastic about what might happen or change.

There are thousands of people in intolerable pain right now. The most commonly unexpressed emotions in the workplace involve suffering. Suffering isn’t a modern experience but what seems to have changed is the inescapable impact of increased demands on our time and a tidal wave of information, leading to anxiety, uncertainty, and a sense of feeling overwhelmed and out of control. 

We all want control but what does control mean to you?

In terms of Mental Toughness, Control is the extent to which people feel they are in control of their lives. Some individuals believe they can exert considerable influence over their working environment, that they can change things, and that they make a difference.

Early work on developing the Metal Toughness model identified two components to Control: Life Control and Emotional Control. Life Control is a person’s belief that they have the ability and power to do something. Emotional Control describes the degree to which individuals are in control of their emotions and to what extent they will reveal their emotions to others. The foundation of Emotional Control is self-awareness.

Self-awareness is our ability to recognize our own emotions and mood, our thoughts about them, and understanding how those thoughts and feelings are connected with our behavior. None of this can occur unless we also have the ability to name how we're feeling or what our mood is. 

But naming emotions is difficult. 

Many of us have a tendency to avoid bad feelings as emotions can’t hurt us if we don’t feel them but we can’t change what we don’t notice. Communicating what we’re actually feeling by naming our emotions, rather than keeping things hidden helps to lessen their charge. Psychologist Dan Siegel refers to this exercise as “name it to tame it.” 

Noticing and naming emotions gives us the chance to take a step back and make choices about what to do with them. Sharing what we’re feeling helps us to better manage even the most difficult emotions. By naming our feelings out loud we take responsibility for them making it less likely that they will pour out at the expense of others.

Nevertheless, some of my clients still struggle to label the emotion they are feeling, especially if it is particularly overwhelming. To support them I give them an emotion wheel that helps them identify what they are feeling and, once they explore this, they can choose what they would like to do next. 

When you identify your emotions, you provide yourself with choices. When you have choices, you have a sense of control. Naming the emotion and giving yourself choices gives you a sense of responsibility over them and with it a sense of control. And when you have a sense of control, you have...

Hope. 

There is compelling research suggesting that control and hope are strongly correlated. When cancer patients felt a greater sense of control within their health situation, they had a greater hope. Mental health patients in Norway were empowered by health workers to master their own lives which re-established hope. And in separate studies, control and hope (and academic performance) were strongly correlated in school children, adolescents, and young adults in work training. 

There are dozens of stories about people who have overcome adversity to create tremendous success and provide hope and inspiration to others. Here is just one example about someone you probably feel you know.

Oprah Winfrey was born to a poor single mother, lived in poverty, and was sexually abused on multiple occasions. With her success on the Oprah Winfrey Show, autobiographies, radio shows, and involvement in the weight loss industry, it’s now hard to imagine that her earlier life was so tough. She is now noted as one of the most influential women in the world and a multi-billionaire. But more than fame and fortune, Oprah has inspired thousands of people to take control and transform their own lives and the lives of those around them. 

Oprah tells a story about being in Maya Angelou’s kitchen while she was making biscuits. She had just launched her Leadership Academy for Girls in South Africa and said to Maya Angelou that she felt the Leadership Academy was going to be her greatest legacy. 

Maya Angelou put down the dough, looked at her and said, “You have no idea what your legacy will be.” Oprah carried on, “Oh, it will be this school because...” Maya Angelou interrupted her and said,

“You have no idea what your legacy will be because your legacy is every life you’ve touched.”

In other words, most of what we put out into the world, we will never see a direct return from. We have to believe - we have to have faith that we make a difference in the world. 

So how are you feeling now?